Saturday, June 16, 2012

Hot Bear-On-Bear Action

If that title isn't good for a few hundred Google hits, I don't know what is. Ahem. Free Comic Book Day is a promotional event held the first Saturday in May. Comic book publishers provide special issues of their comics to retailers, who give them away for free in an attempt to attract new readers. The day tends to be pretty family friendly, so many of the comics provided are intended for all ages. Many, but not all. This year, Silver Dragon Books gave us a hot little tale that's definitely for adults only. So close the blinds, light some candles, and feast your naughty eyes on...

 World's Most Dangerous Animals

Oh, Animal Planet, have you no shame? There are two stories in this comic, but it's the cover story we're concerned with.

Grizzly bear! That most shameless of ursines. Beware! If you're a hot, muscular, bearded fellow bathing in a woodland river hoping for a little privacy, don't get your nude on where there be grizzlies about!

"Dear National Geographic Forum: I never thought the stories in your magazine were true, until this happened to me." The bear doesn't seem to have noticed the... I'm realizing it may be unclear which one I'm referring to when I say "the bear". The grizzly doesn't seem to have noticed the guy in the water, but he's just playing coy.

The grizzly's all, "Oh, I'm such a loner, I'm far too territorial for anyone to be interested in little old me." Beardy's not paying attention to the advice from the caption box, he's seen something he likes and he's going for it. Look, dude, bears are complicated, ok? They act all aloof but really they like to take charge. You're going to scare him off! At least offer him a drink first!


See! What'd I tell you? I understand why you think it's your scent, though - bears work up a mighty strong aroma wearing nothing but leather all day. One quick bath isn't enough to shake that.

Relieved, sure, keep telling yourself that. "He wasn't my type anyway. Whatever. I can have any bear here if I wanted. There's a kodiak waiting for me in the bathroom."

The grizzly wanders off just long enough to work up his nerve again (I'm not saying there's some white powdery residue on his snout, I'm not saying there isn't). "My only chance was to hope he didn't charge before I reached my gun!" Been there.

Cock tease! Make up your damn mind! Oh, he's back again.

An 800-pound mountain of muscle and fur. Hells to the yeah.

This guy is up for anything and everything that this bear might want to do to him. Children, leave the room, things are about to get good.

He is really wishing he hadn't left his poppers in the cabin right now. This comic purports to be offering useful advice in the event of a bear attack, but I'm not so sure. It's exciting to be dominated like that, I know. I've been held down by a powerful paw or two in my day, and I'm not saying you should fight, exactly, but don't just lie there. Sure, our nature-loving hero is clearly enjoying himself, but what's the bear getting out of it?

Ah, well, it was hot while it lasted. No matter how much he's into you, lie there limp and motionless long enough and any bear will lose interest. I guess this book is more of a cautionary tale - there's an important lesson here for all of us.

And that lesson is, grizzly bears want to have sex with you. Thanks, Animal Planet!

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